2007 August - Pain

August 13^th, 3.43 am

The society for pain and pain relief in Germany sent me a scale. It goes from 0 'til 10. If I should identify the pain that woke me up, it would be a 12 at this second. I feel like dying. I'm all alone with this unbelievable pain. I can't move. My chest feels as if I'm in this former described pressure of a lathe. I need to get an ice pack and place it on my chest, right now. Like Crystal explained it before… NOW. I can't stand up, I'm freezing already, almost shivering. I need to close the shutters, the street lights bug me, I'm cold, I'm hurting, almost crying, alone. He is working, in the other room, on his reports, on the home network, to fix something he can just do at nighttime. She is sleeping. I wanna go back to sleep, also.

3.45 am

Finally I get a hold of my Ibuprofen, laying next to my bed, grab the water bottle, swallow. I remember every word that was written on the forums by Tim, Jimbo, Crystal, Karol, Becky, Carrie, Mrs. Swenson, Stan and others – oh I would write perfect blogs in bed if I could, I think about recording them on my mobile. But the pain struck me like lightning. This summer I got stung by a bee, in the finger, and it feels like 10 times this pain at the moment. Finally… I get up, get dressed warmer, close the blinds, grab a wash cloth, go to the freezer, take out one of the ice packs, stick it into the wash cloth and I'm so happy when I can lay back down and place it on my chest. Tears run down my face… I hate this, when I'm so weak. I'm a strong woman, d… it. Not this whimpy me. A friend of mine got his foot cut off, that's pain and a reason to cry, some other friend of mine was seeking advice in the forum, because she doesn't know which cane to buy, that is pain. People who are diagnosed freshly, starting treatment, don't know what to expect next and how to handle it, that is pain. And me? I feel sorry for myself, burst into tears… It makes me angry to have these feelings. I fall asleep, finally.

6 or 7 am

I wake up again, must have been fallen asleep, and start thinking again. It's Eylene's birthday. I shouldn't forget to send her congrats. Can't forget to post a blog about sensibility problems, I found it in one of my MS books. A table about it, which describes it pretty exact. I'm so dead tired, I can't find words for it, let me sleep, I don't wanna ache. It has been good again for such a long time, but yesterday the fall weather stopped, and it became summer again, hot. I know what he will say: no wonder, you sat in front of the computer for 3 days working on your page, that's the bill for that! Well I felt pretty good these days, so let me. I know I'm gonna end up on my nose again sooner or later, let me be. And then I think of Crystal. What does he know? This pain has nothing to do with exaggerating, or overdoing it! It came out of the blue, out of nowhere. I would like to get my cool down vest out of the freezer, I'm burning up from within, I am so heated up right now! I lay down as flat as I can. I would need a massage, my back hurts. Would be good if I'd place an ice pack there, too. Then I think of people who told me that I just have to get back on track (you hear me Crystal, that's exactly what your bulletin was about?), or other ones who said I look so healthy and good, that must be a joke that I'm retired being 41 already. I feel like crying. Cry myself to sleep again.

9:20 am

Got enough rest. The pain starts to come back. I don't wanna take another Ibuprofen, that would make it 1200 mgs today (!). Gotta ask the doctor for 800 mgs, can't forget that! My brain says go, get the pill, it's an 8 on the pain scale at least, so I give in, I don't wanna hurt today anymore, eventhough I have a bad back ache. I wanna write this blog, hope I can remember all the words. I think I'll have to lay down a lot today, maybe that'll help? You know, these days are the days when people don't see me out in the bout. That's when I don't socialize, when I feel like a shot deer, soothing and licking my own wounds. But you can't tell I've got Multiple Sclerosis just by looking at me. And never forget: I'm one of the fortunate ones who aren't affected that badly. I can still walk, see, think (sometimes better, sometimes not), move all my extremities. Ain't I lucky? But I suppose you don't wanna exchange your health with mine, do ya? ;-)

And I thank The Lord each and every day, that I feel SOOOOO good, seriously. That I have everything I need, that I have a good life, and such cool friends like YOU! Just wanted to share some of my bad times.